Slipping out of POV - How to STOP Doing It

Great Guest Blog by Janice Hardy

Howdy Writer Friends and Readers,

I've just gone through line edits on my latest novel Marisol (to be launched on Amazon for pre-sales August 16 and released in November 2019). One of the things that cropped up was my slipping out of the POV character's head. Below is a great article about this. Hope you enjoy it! --Elva

Stepping Out: A Look at Point of View Shifts

By Janice Hardy, @Janice_Hardy

A reader asked…

We always hear that if you slip out of POV you run the risk of jarring the reader out of the story. But is this really true? Surely we read published books that slip out of POV all the time? How can we spot slips in POV? Particularly in third person.

A point of view shift is when a POV character conveys something to the reader the POV character couldn’t possibly know. The most common one is when motive is attributed to a non-POV character, but having a non-POV character observe something about the POV is another one you see quite often. Sometimes they sneak by and readers don’t really notice them (we writers are far pickier on this topic than readers) but sometimes they do jar the reader out of the story because it’s clear the POV wouldn’t know that.

You have the super obvious shifts, where the reader is privy to more than one character’s thoughts and perspective in the same scene (or worse, the same paragraph):

John glanced down at his phone. Where r u? floated on the screen. Couldn’t that woman leave him alone? Stacy was his wife, not his parole officer. Stacy didn’t think so, and she waited with phone in hand, anxious for John to text her back. Why hadn’t he answered?

Feel that sudden yank there in the middle? Didn’t you think “Stacy didn’t think so…” was John’s opinion of her at first, then all of a sudden you were in Stacy’s head. This is a pretty bad POV shift, often referred to as “head hopping” because you’re jumping from head to head.

To keep the reader centered on the POV, you want to stick with one POV per scene or chapter. When you switch POVs, break the scene and start a new one.

Let’s look at the sneakier ones now:

John smiled at me, then reached over to brush dried leaves off my shoulder.

Can you spot the shift? The “to” implies motive, which the narrator couldn’t know until John actually brushed the leaves off her. There’s a good chance she hadn’t even known the leaves were there, so having that info is also a shift. Changing “to” to “and” shifts this back in to the narrator’s POV. She sees John reach over, and sees him brush leaves off her shoulder. Both are observable actions by the POV.

“To verb” is something that gets in there all the time, and yes, you see it in plenty of published books. Why if it’s a POV shift? Because there’s an inherent “the narrator knows the story and what happened” aspect to novels. Most people won’t even notice it because it’s so subtle. And like many inconsistencies in writing, not everyone will consider this a shift at all, because a farther narrative distance might allow for motive to be assumed. It’s the writer’s call on this one.

Implying motive also applies to third person:

John smiled at Lola, then reached over to brush dried leaves off her shoulder.

From this line it’s impossible to tell who the POV is, though oddly enough, both are shifting out of the POV. If John is the POV then it pulls back to the author telling motive (not showing it). If Lola is the POV, it’s a POV shift because just like in first person, Lola can’t know why John reaches for her.

Let’s look at some more obvious shifts:

I bumped into John outside the market. He looked at me and frowned, noticing the baby puke stain on my shirt.

The narrator can’t know what John notices. She can only see him look at her and frown. But here’s where it gets a little tricky. You could have something like…

I bumped into John outside the market. He looked down at the baby puke stain on my shirt and frowned.

If the narrator knows she has a stain on her shirt, it’s quite plausible that when she sees John look down at that area of her body he’s looking at the stain. The narrator observes an action and can guess the reason for it. That keeps the judgment of that action squarely in the POV’s head. If Lola didn’t know she had a stain, then the above example would have been a shift.

Same issues for third person:

Lola bumped into John outside the market. He looked at her and frowned, noticing the baby puke stain on her shirt.

John’s POV: The noticing is the author telling the reader what John notices.
Lola’s POV: The noticing is a POV shift.

You can also shift if you have your POV character noticing their own appearance or actions as an outside observer would.

Lola reached for the baby wipes just as the hot new stock boy came down the aisle. Her face turned bright scarlet.

This is another shift that not everyone would call a shift (and depending on your narrative distance, it might not be.) But if we’re inside Lola’s head looking out, she can’t know what color her face is. She can feel the heat of blushing, she can guess or assume her face turned scarlet, but she can’t know it. She doesn’t see it. You could also consider this telling as well, shifting out of Lola’s POV into the author’s. You can put it back in her POV by showing what she does, feels, and thinks:

Lola reached for the baby wipes just as the hot new stock boy came down the aisle. Her face flushed hot. Was it bright red? Gads, what if he saw her like this?

Spotting POV Shifts 

“To verb” is easy to search for and you’ll eliminate a lot of smaller shifts if you revise, in many cases, just using “and” instead. Other things you can look for:

• Any judgment or opinion statements of non-POV characters that aren’t in dialog. A non-POV character will only convey information by what they say and how the act. That’s all the POV can observe.
• Places where the POV states motive or opinion of a non-POV character. If the POV is guessing or basing their thought on what they can observe, then it’s probably okay. But if the POV is attributing a motive as if it’s fact (like in the noticing example above), you might be shifting.
• Anything the POV character wouldn’t know, couldn’t guess by observation, or couldn’t see.
• The POV referring to how they look.

It’s really up to the writer to decide how fanatical they want to be about subtle shifts (head hopping is a no-no). The tighter the POV and the closer the narrative distance, the more the shift affects how the text reads. The farther the narrative distance, the more acceptable a slight shift is because there’s another layer between reader and POV. There’s a sense that someone is relaying the info and they could know things the POV doesn’t.

Just think about what your POV can see/hear/smell etc. If it’s not something that falls within their senses, there’s a good chance they wouldn’t know about.

How do you handle searching for POV shifts? What words or phrases have you noticed frequently popping up?

Looking for tips on planning, writing, or revising your novel? Check out one of my books on writing:  Planning Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, a self-guided workshop for planning or revising a novel, the companion Planning Your Novel Workbook, Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft, your step-by-step guide to revising a novel, and the first book in my bestselling Skill Builders Series, Understanding Show Don't Tell (And Really Getting It). 

A long-time fantasy reader, Janice Hardy always wondered about the darker side of healing. For her fantasy trilogy The Healing Wars, she tapped into her own dark side to create a world where healing was dangerous, and those with the best intentions often made the worst choices. Her novels include The Shifter, Blue Fire, and Darkfall from Balzer+Bray/Harper Collins. The Shifter, was chosen for the 2014 list of "Ten Books All Young Georgians Should Read" from the Georgia Center for the Book. It was also shortlisted for the Waterstones Children's Book Prize, and The Truman Award in 2011.

Janice is also the founder of Fiction University, a site dedicated to helping writers improve their craft. Her popular Foundations of Fiction series includes Planning Your Novel: Ideas and Structure, a self-guided workshop for planning or revising a novel, the companion Planning Your Novel Workbook, Revising Your Novel: First Draft to Finished Draft, your step-by-step guide to revising a novel, and the first book in her Skill Builders Series, Understanding Show Don't Tell (And Really Getting It).  

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Editing Your Novel - Part 2 A Great Editing Software

by Elva Cobb Martin

Editing a novel is a big undertaking. I highly recommend ProWritingAid, a world-class editing software, that really tackles this job with gusto. It's like having your favorite editor standing over your shoulder pointing out things you need to change, and giving you options. This program can work right in your Microsoft documents. At the end of this blog I will give you a discount link to this software, if you decide you're interested.

Today I want to start giving you a list of the 20-plus major items this software will help edit in your novel. I'll even give you examples from my own novel as I edited using the program.

First, the Writing Style Report: This highlights several areas of writing that should be revised to improve readability, including passive voice, overuse of adverbs, repeated sentence starts, hidden verbs, unneeded words, and much more. Isn't that a bunch of things that need checking? And this is just the Style Report.

Here's a sample with the editing marks of the Writing Style Report from the first draft of my work-in-progress (wip) Marisol, a Christian historical romance.

In his merchant office above the dock, Ethan checked off all the cargo goods on his accounting sheet that Tim had left for him. The sugar, tobacco, cacao and casks of rum from Jamaica had been delivered to the buyers and at a good price. He’d made a neat profit on this merchant trip. Not to mention the gold they had plundered from the captured Spanish galleon carrying Marisol and the other indentured servants. He still had quite a few pieces of eight and nuggets to add to his strongbox besides the coin he paid for Marisol’s indenture paper. As usual, when the Spaniards ran up the white flag and surrendered under his cannons, he ordered the crew to take the gold and let the ship go free. They had been surprised to find indentured servants aboard.

While Ethan worked with the figures in his accounting book, and stashed the gold in his secret place, one thought kept fluttering across his mind. What kind of woman would have the courage or the know-how to stop a snake with only her boot? What other secrets did this woman have under that mane of shining black hair?

(Now I see I need to change the passive voice in the two purple sentences.)

Here's another sample showing unneeded words:

Ethan needed to go before recollections of his happy years with Olivia at the little church brought the familiar pain and drought to his soul. He picked up the reins. “Sir, I need to be getting home before dark. I do wish you and your family my very best. And do drop by to see the new governess I found for our Joshua. I believe you’ll like her.

You can check out ProWritingAid.com and get a free sample of your work edited. 

Here's a link for a discount, I think will still work, if you decide you would like to purchase the software: https://prowritingaid.com/en/App/Purchase?rf=10&mafid=647213

Thanks for stopping by. I'll continue these editing tips next time. Please share this blog on your social media by clicking on the small icons below.

Blessings.
Elva

Elva Cobb Martin is vice-president of the South Carolina Chapter of American Christian Fiction Writers. She is a former school teacher and a graduate of Anderson University and Erskine College. She has two inspirational novels published with Lighthouse Publishers of the Carolinas. Summer of Deception, a contemporary romantic suspense, and an historical romance, In a Pirate’s Debt. Both have spent time on Amazon’s 100 Best Sellers List for Women’s Religious Fiction. She has indie published a Bible study on Amazon, Power Over Satan, on the  believer's authority in Christ. Decision, Charisma, and Home Life have carried Elva's articles. Jim Hart of Hartline Literary represents her. She and her husband Dwayne are semi-retired ministers. A mother and grandmother, Elva lives in South Carolina. Connect with her on her web site http://www.elvamartin.com,on Twitter www.twitter.com/ElvaCobbMartin; Facebook http://www.facebook.com/elvacobbmartin;  and Pinterest https://www.pinterest.com/elvacobbmartin    

 Link to her romance novels and non-fiction works on Amazon:http://amzn.to/2pOgVHI

Editing Your Novel - Part 1 Finish First Draft

by Elva Cobb Martin

Good editing is like going through a gate to an exciting, better book. Here I am entering a Georgetown,SC, rice plantation. I refused to let the rain hinder my tour or photos.

How do you write your novel? Where does editing come in?

For me, the real editing begins after the first draft. 

I write the first draft mainly to get the plot points down, tell the story, hit the major scenes I've already planned. I work hard and fast getting my opening set up, hitting important scenes in the middle, and writing the major ending scenes, including the black moment and the HEA. 

If I try to do a lot of editing in the first draft, I may never get to THE END. I know folks, like me earlier, who struggle years trying to write that "novel." But it takes so long if you try editing as you go along, for example, editing what you wrote yesterday before going on today. Trust me, that's going up the ladder backwards. 

When I finish that first draft, I might have 45,000-50,000 words, but will need 60,000-80,000 words for the final draft, according to what a publisher I've queried might ask for.

Reviewing, here's what works for me in novel writing to finish that first draft:

1) I spend quality time planning that first draft. Planning your novel is described in my 10-part series earlier in this blog. Find Part 1 here http://bit.ly/2zPmZa1. 

Here's the list of the other 9 parts in the archives:

Part 2 -  Premise
Part 3 -  Pitches and Book Tags
Part 4 -  Characterization Special -Dancing Horse & Heroine
Part 5 -  Deep Heroine Characterization
Part 6 -  Hero Characterization
Part 7 -  Secondary Characters
Part 8 -  Outlining
Part 9 -  Choosing the best opening scene
Part 10 - The Fiction Proposal

So don't fudge on your novel planning. It will help that first draft be a fast birthing! I've learned since writing that series that making a time line of historical events to cover my historical series will be a great help. 

So you finished your first draft! Congratulations!

It's a wonderful accomplished feeling to finish the first draft.
Can't you hear the success bells ringing when any one asks, "How is your novel coming along?"  And you can answer. "Fine, I've finished the first draft."

Celebrate every goal reached!

So once I finish the first draft, it's time to go back through and add all the spit and polish, including great sun rises and sun sets if on a sailing vessel like I often spend time. 

Three vital questions I ask myself to begin editing after finishing the first draft: 

1) Do I need to add more scenes to reach my word count or       add more detail in scenes to make more vivid?

b) Am I staying in Deep POV and not head hopping? For my 4-Part series on DPOV click here for Part 1:  http://bit.ly/2EyAtdK.

c)  Am I using the five senses, strong verbs, strong adjectives?

Hey, thanks for stopping by. Hope this has helped you today.
I will go in much more detail about editing a first draft in Part 2 next week. Please leave a comment if this has helped and share on your social media by clicking on the icons below.

Blessings on your writing,
Elva Martin

Elva Cobb Martin is vice-president of the South Carolina Chapter of American Christian Fiction Writers. She is a former school teacher and a graduate of Anderson University and Erskine College. She has two inspirational novels published with Lighthouse Publishers of the Carolinas. Summer of Deception, a contemporary romantic suspense, and an historical romance, In a Pirate’s Debt. Both have spent time on Amazon’s 100 Best Sellers List for Women’s Religious Fiction. She has indie published a Bible study on Amazon, Power Over Satan, on the  believer's authority in Christ. Decision, Charisma, and Home Life have carried Elva's articles. Jim Hart of Hartline Literary represents her. She and her husband Dwayne are semi-retired ministers. A mother and grandmother, Elva lives in South Carolina. Connect with her on her web site http://www.elvamartin.com,on Twitter www.twitter.com/ElvaCobbMartin; Facebook http://www.facebook.com/elvacobbmartin;  and Pinterest https://www.pinterest.com/elvacobbmartin    

 Link to her romance novels and non-fiction works on Amazon:http://amzn.to/2pOgVHI

Show, Don't Tell Descriptions - Part 2 Negative Facial Expressions

by Elva Cobb Martin

Show, don't tell is so important for us writers that I keep adding information to my file and studying books on the subject.

Here are some favorite negative facial expressions I've noted  from my research or composed.

His face turned to marble as he cast a searing glance toward his unwanted passenger.    (Do you think my description of Horatio Hornblower in this picture shows versus tells?)

His mouth spread into a thin-lipped smile.

His mouth pulled into a sour grin.

Offering her a distracted nod, he returned her smile.

Her smile held a touch of sadness.

She smile smoothly, betraying nothing of her annoyance.

His mouth took on an unpleasant twist.

He contradicted her with a smile that set her teeth on edge.

A satanic smile spread across his thin lips.

She pasted on a smile of nonchalance.

His face became a marble effigy of contempt.

The familiar mask descended once again.

His expression held a note of mockery.

Her features tightened and her eyes turned hard.

She looked away fast at the sight of his scowl.

                               ***

Have you some negative expressions that show, don't tell to add to our list? Great facial descriptions are great to edit into your second draft. Thanks for stopping by. Please share by clicking on the small icons below.

Blessings,
Elva Martin

Elva Cobb Martin is vice-president of the South Carolina Chapter of American Christian Fiction Writers. She is a former school teacher and a graduate of Anderson University and Erskine College. She has two inspirational novels published with Lighthouse Publishers of the Carolinas. Summer of Deception, a contemporary romantic suspense, and an historical romance, In a Pirate’s Debt. Both have spent time on Amazon’s 100 Best Sellers List for Women’s Religious Fiction. She has indie published a Bible study on Amazon, Power Over Satan, on the  believer's authority in Christ. Decision, Charisma, and Home Life have carried Elva's articles. Jim Hart of Hartline Literary represents her. She and her husband Dwayne are semi-retired ministers. A mother and grandmother, Elva lives in South Carolina. Connect with her on her web site http://www.elvamartin.com,on Twitter www.twitter.com/ElvaCobbMartin; Facebook http://www.facebook.com/elvacobbmartin;  and Pinterest https://www.pinterest.com/elvacobbmartin

 Link to her romance novels and non-fiction works on Amazon:http://amzn.to/2pOgVHI

Deep POV - Part 2

by Elva Cobb Martin

If you missed Part 1, get it here http://bit.ly/2EyAtdK.

Deep POV makes our writing vibrate with emotion--like this snapshot from Gone with the Wind. 

DPOV often eliminates most problems with show/don't tell and even italics.

 A short booklet that has been a great help to me in mastering DPOV is Rivet Your Readers with Deep Point of View by Jill Elizabeth Nelson. Find it on Amazon here: http://amzn.to/2EUr7Xv

Here are some quick pointers from Jill:

♦  Never say he/she thought, felt, knew, wondered, realized, decided. 

Simply write what it is.

    Wrong: He understood how much this would mean to her. He knew       she’d be worried.

    Right: This would mean a  lot to her. She would be worried.

♦  Don’t name the emotion, describe it instead. 

     

     Shallow: Jealousy flashed through me.

     Deep: Heat boiled my insides. If that wimp could win a trophy, where was mine?

(Check out The Emotion Thesaurus by Angela Ackerman for great help in describing emotions. http://amzn.to/2EUsRA1

♦  Describe physical effects on the body: 

         Anger: His hands formed into fists.

       Nervous: Sweat popped out on his palms. His throat closed.

♦  Ditch Prepositional telling phrases (of, with, in)

     

     Shallow: Desiree’s skin prickled with pleasant excitement.

      Deep: Shadows deepened. The place reeked of ancient secrets.   Desi's skin prickled.

♦  Don’t use he/she saw, tasted, smelled, heard. Simply state what he saw, tasted, smelled or heard.

     Shallow: He could see the tip of the dog’s nose peeking out of the                            closet.

     Deep: The tip of the dog’s nose peeked out of the closet.

     Shallow: He tasted bile. 

     Deep: Bile rose in his throat.

Do you have some tips to help master DPOV? Please leave a comment and share on your social media if this blog helped you.

Be blessed,
Elva

Elva Cobb Martin is vice-president of the South Carolina Chapter of American Christian Fiction Writers. She is a former school teacher and a graduate of Anderson University and Erskine College. She has two inspirational novels contracted with Lighthouse Publishers of the Carolinas. Summer of Deception, a contemporary romantic suspense, and an historical romance, In a Pirate’s Debt. Both have spent time on Amazon’s 100 Best Sellers List for Women’s Religious Fiction. Decision, Charisma, and Home Life have carried Elva's articles. Jim Hart of Hartline Literary represents her. She and her husband Dwayne are semi-retired ministers. A mother and grandmother, Elva lives in Anderson, South Carolina. Connect with her on her web site http://www.elvamartin.com,on Twitter www.twitter.com/ElvaCobbMartin; Facebook http://www.facebook.com/elvacobbmartin;  and Pinterest https://www.pinterest.com/elvacobbmartin

Link to her romance novels and non-fiction works on Amazon:

Deep POV - Part 1

by Elva Cobb Martin

One of the vital parts of writing craft we hear editors  stress over and over is the need to master Deep Point of View. 

DPOV makes our writing fresh and alive. It puts our readers into the character's head. 

Here is a recent "before" and "after" paragraph a publishing house editor sent to her authors to remind them about 3rd person DPOV. 

Before 

Kate steered her convertible over the Wright Memorial Bridge, and joined the stream of tourists and locals motoring south through Nags Head. With the top down she felt the afternoon sun warm her face and soon found herself drumming her fingers on the steering wheel to a Zack Brown song. Kate wished she’d remembered to pack her bathing suit, but in a hurry to get on the road, she’d forgotten to open the bottom drawer of the dresser in the guest room. Not that it matters, she thought. I doubt I could fit into it, anyway.

Rewrite in 3rd person DPOV by editor

Kate steered her convertible over the Wright Memorial Bridge and joined the stream of tourists and locals motoring south through Nags Head. With the top down, the afternoon sun bathed her face in warmth. She drummed her fingers on the steering wheel to a Zack Brown song. The weather was perfect and ... she'd forgotten to pack her bathing suit. She thumped the steering wheel with the palm of her hand. If only she hadn't been in such a hurry to get on the road. Her suit was still in the bottom drawer of the dresser in the guest room. She sighed and drummed along with the song again. What did it really matter? She probably couldn't fit into it anyway.

Editor's note on what she removed or changed:

she felt - this is telling, in deep 3rd POV we avoid telling         
soon found herself - you could leave this one but I prefer not to

Kate wished - this is telling

she thought - not needed, show with a question.

(Also changed the lapse into first person in the last sentence

   into 3rd person).

Are you getting it? More on deep point of view next time. What has helped you master DPOV? Leave your comment and thanks for stopping by. Please share on twitter by clicking on the small icons below.

Blessings,

Elva

Elva Cobb Martin is vice-president of the South Carolina Chapter of American Christian Fiction Writers. She is a former school teacher and a graduate of Anderson University and Erskine College. She has two inspirational novels contracted with Lighthouse Publishers of the Carolinas. Summer of Deception, a contemporary romantic suspense, and an historical romance, In a Pirate’s Debt. Both have spent time on Amazon’s 100 Best Sellers List for Women’s Religious Fiction. Decision, Charisma, and Home Life have carried Elva's articles. Jim Hart of Hartline Literary represents her. She and her husband Dwayne are semi-retired ministers. A mother and grandmother, Elva lives in Anderson, South Carolina. Connect with her on her web site http://www.elvamartin.com,on Twitter www.twitter.com/ElvaCobbMartin; Facebook http://www.facebook.com/elvacobbmartin;  and Pinterest https://www.pinterest.com/elvacobbmartin

Link to her romance novels and non-fiction works on Amazon: http://amzn.to/2pOgVHI

Six Things the ProWritingAid Editing Tool Taught Me That Might Help You

by Elva Cobb Martin

I finally bit the nail and bought an editing tool before sending out my latest novel proposal. I checked out several editing tools but ended up buying ProWritingAid for an annual fee of $40.

One of the best things about it is that I could buy the version that integrates with MSWord. ProWritingAid is now right up in my Word top menu bar that I can click on after I pull up any document I want to edit. I can click on "Full Edit" or any of 25 individual edits. You can check out the program and get a sample edit at ProWritingAid.com   And no, I am not receiving any kickbacks!  ( :

Frankly, it's like having a highly skilled editor looking over your shoulder.

Six Edits That Are Making My Manuscripts Shine:

1) Repeated Words  --it's amazing how often I repeated without realizing it.
2) Cliches and Redundancies- - we all have favorites that slip in
3) The Dialogue Tags check - use action beats instead

4) The Sensory Report - helps you write using all five senses
5) The Pacing Check - very good to know if this is going well
6) The Grammar Report - catches everything besides spelling--including two             periods or even an extra space between words that pop up in my writing.

One of the first things I was glad to find out was the Reading Level of my ms.

ProWritingAid does much more--The Writing Style Report (very comprehensive), Thesaurus Check, Diction Report, Vague and Abstract Words Check, the Plagiarism Report, Sentence Length, Transitions, Consistency, and Sticky Sentences full of glue words that can be rewritten for greater clarity.

Needless to say I am happy I now have this "editor over my shoulder" to help hone my writing.

Have you found a great editing tool? Would love to hear from you. And please do share this on your social media by clicking on the small icons below.

Blessings,
Elva Cobb Martin

Flat Speaker Beats Vs. Beats That Tell a Story

Guest Blog by Andrea Merrell, Author and Assoc. Editor, Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas

I am happy to welcome Andrea Merrell as a guest blogger today on Carolina Romance. Here are her tips about good speaker beats that will help your novel or creative nonfiction succeed. 

We’re taught the concept at writers’ conferences, read about it in helpful blog posts, and hear it from our critique group: show—don’t tell. This key to writing well can make or break an otherwise good story.  One way to be sure you’re showing your story is by using descriptive speaker beats. But first, let’s look at the difference between tags and beats.

Speaker Tags

A speaker tag shows the speaker’s name and a speech-related verb (said, asked, shouted). This is generally the best way to indicate which of your characters is speaking, but sometimes we tend to overuse tags. They’re not necessary each time someone speaks, especially in a long section of dialogue.

Example: “That’s a lovely dress you’re wearing,” Wendy said.

                     “Thank you so much,” Beverly replied.

                     “Where did you get it?” Wendy asked.

                   “It came from Dillard’s,” Beverly answered.

                     “Oh, that’s my favorite department store,” Wendy said.

Speaker Beats

A speaker beat is the action or internal thoughts that accompany what the speaker is saying. It also indicates who is doing the speaking.

Example: “I can’t believe you said that.” Jessie grabbed her keys and headed for the door.

Example: Tears rolled down Susie’s face. “It was a mistake. Please forgive me.”

Just like tags, don’t overuse beats. Too many will interrupt the flow of dialogue. They’re not necessary every time, but they work well to set the scene when used correctly.

Here are a few common speaker beats that are not only telling but redundant and, well … flat—especially when used over and over in a manuscript:

• She smiled.
• He laughed.
• She cried.
• He shrugged.
• She nodded.
• He cleared his throat.
• She blushed.
• He flexed his jaw.
• She sighed.
• He winked.
• She straightened her shoulders.
• He raked his hand through his hair.

Am I saying it’s never okay to use these beats? Yes and no. An occasional she smiled or he shrugged might be acceptable, but not just as a filler. And not if you want the reader to relate to your characters and feel like they’re watching them on the big screen. We need to show the emotions and inner conflict of our characters. Let’s look at another example.

Flat Speaker Beats

“I’ll be home soon,” Steve said. “Sorry, I forgot about the party.” He laughed.

Julie sighed. “You don’t listen to anything I say, do you?”

“Sure I do.” Steve shrugged. “I just don’t have the best memory.”

“You don’t care about my feelings. That’s the problem.” Julie cried.

What do you get from this section of dialogue? Not much. In fact, it’s pretty boring. We don’t even know whose point of view we’re in. Let’s set the scene a little better.

Speaker Beats that Tell a Story

“I’ll be home soon,” Steve said with a nervous laugh, wishing for the hundredth time he had put tonight’s party on his mobile calendar. He would have a hard time talking himself out of this one.

Julie’s weary sigh cut through the phone like a knife and reminded him of all the other important events he had conveniently forgotten. “You don’t listen to anything I say, do you?”

Steve shrugged his shoulders in a nervous gesture—the way he always did when he knew he was wrong—even though no one could see him. “Sure I do. I just don’t have the best memory.” Well, that was at least partially true. No need to make the situation worse.

“You don’t care about my feelings.” As usual, the sound of crying replaced the sigh. “That’s the problem,” Julie said between sobs. “You’ve never cared.”

Do you see the difference? Can you feel the conflict and tension between the two? Paint a picture with your words and pull your reader into the story.

Andrea Merrell is an associate editor with Christian Devotions Ministries and Lighthouse Publishing of the Carolinas. She is also a professional freelance editor and was a finalist for the 2016 Editor of the Year Award at BRMCWC. She teaches workshops at writers’ conferences and has been published in numerous anthologies and online venues. Andrea is a graduate of Christian Communicators and a finalist in the 2015 USA Best Book Awards. She is the author of Murder of a Manuscript, Praying for the Prodigal, and Marriage: Make It or Break It. For more information visit www.AndreaMerrell.com or www.TheWriteEditing.com.

Andrea's latest release is, Marriage: Make It or Break It.

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Elva Cobb Martin